Guilt Trip ...

The induction time is here once again.
A batch of 180 seniors make their 180 some juniors go through 3-4 sleepless days of humiliation and tension. I have not been able to find a rational justification for this institute - sponsored ragging yet but like herd mentality I have been a part of it for second year in a row.

So there I was ... shouting at those 'juniors', most of whom are proably atleast 2-3 years older than me. I had imagined it would be some sort of ego cum power trip to stand on the podium and tell them not to sleep or not to cross talk or to take things seriously, etc etc. But at the end of it I felt quite numb. There was no ego trip, no pride and no overwhelming sense of power or joy. If there was anything, there was a nagging question ... Why did I do it ?

But the overwhelming sense of guilt did not come from that. It happened during the 'interviews'.

It's not very easy to put oneself in her shoes ... but i'll try anyways. She hadn't slept for more than 40 hours or so. She was utterly confused about what was happening around her. Things were moving very fast. Every once in a while some seniors came and shouted at the whole batch. A couple of hours back some foreigners had given a very arbit presentation about some colleges she's never heard of. Then they'd gotten mad and walked off and here she was giving an interview for an exchange program she had no clue about, let alone be interested in it.

For us .. she was just the last 'candidate'.

So here we are .. four of us sitting in a room at 4 in the morning. She walked in and sat down. We had decided to take a stress interview. And hence it began ... the endless row of questioning, cross questioning, ordering, embarassment ...

At that moment even I was not feeling any remorse or concern for that poor soul. We had come to a moment in the interview when all four of us were laughing at her as she sat there confused and slightly embarassed but still smiling.

And then it happend ...

In the smiling and answering back and trying to defend her very existence, she cracked and suddenly burst into tears. We were speechless. I was shocked. I was embarassed at myself. The damage, even though only temporary, had been done to her self esteem.

I mean here I was looking at her CV and admiring the things she'd done. A very sweet looking woman who comes from a smaller town than mine. Her resume speaks at leangth about her ambitions and dreams and what all she's accomplished. And I along with 2 others ( one really didn't say anything ) had virtually broken her down to the extent she had to cry in front of 4 strangers.

It's very hard to come over this kind of guilt. A guilt caused by my own stupidity.

Anyways we've decided to take her out for luch and apologise for the nth time ... It may not be enough or necassary .. but nonetheless.

I know she'll probably never read this , but VJ .. I'm really really sorry.